TBRI Tip: Managing Transitions
Have you ever experienced some major meltdowns with your trauma-impacted kiddo when it comes to transition between activities or places?
Transitions can be really hard for any kiddo but are especially hard for youth from hard places who have already experienced significant grief and loss. We learn from TBRI that play disarms fear. So when a child is participating in something that they enjoy, whether that be playing on the playground or watching their favorite TV show or YouTube video, they are calm and they feel safe. When we ask our children to stop doing what makes them feel calm and safe, it can be very frightening to them. This is where we see kiddos give a lot of pushback and start to become dysregulated. There are also some other reasons why transitions can be so hard for children from hard places:
- Ending fun activities can trigger feelings of loss after already losing so much. These feelings can then trigger emotional or behavioral dysregulation.
- Stopping the enjoyable activity can feel like giving up control. Our children who have experienced trauma have learned that having control is critical to staying safe.
- Causing chaos is a way to test your word and test your commitment to them. Due to being let down in the past, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop - when are you going to say enough is enough and give up on them too? How far can they push you before you show them that they aren't worth it just as they may have been shown in the past?
- It may be an opportunity to create chaos and conflict which feels familiar to them. Anything familiar may feel safe to them, even if it is negative and not actually safe.
- Negative behavioral and emotional outbursts create a feeling of emotional distance. Emotional closeness can be quite challenging for our children who have not experienced it, or who have experienced abuse or neglect by those they have felt emotionally connected to.
Cindy Lee, LCSW, LADC, gives us a four-step formula to help be successful during transition time:
- Attention - We want to get their attention by being front and center with them. Get on the level of a smaller child, make eye contact if able.
- Mention - Give them a 'heads up' on what will happen next. For example, "in 5 minutes, we're going to need to stop playing and get our shoes on." For some children, they may need a warning every five minutes for 30 minutes, counting down, for them to be able to transition positively and that's okay!
- Distract - When it's time to transition, we want to distract the child to get them away from the activity that is safe, and focused onto you, that is also safe. This could be through plans for dinner, activities that they did that morning, other things going on.
- Act - Then we are going to start the transition! Stick with them and remain connected until they begin to move toward the transition.
If you're looking for more helpful tips, check out TBRI Tips with Cindy Lee for some great videos!
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