TBRI Tip: The Power of Saying Yes
Children in foster care often come into our lives carrying invisible wounds. Trauma, loss, and instability have taught them that the world is unpredictable, and they often feel like they have no control over what happens to them. For many of these children, the word "no" feels like yet another door slammed shut - another reminder that they are powerless.
That's why, in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), we talk about the life-changing impact of saying yes. Of course, "yes" doesn't mean giving in to every request. It means looking for safe, reasonable opportunities to give children the power to choose. When we say yes, we're not just allowing a snack or five more minutes of play - we're giving them a sense of agency. We're helping them feel heard, valued, and respected.
Here's how saying yes can make a real difference:
1. Yes Builds Trust
Children from hard places often expect adults to say no - to dismiss their needs or ignore their voices. Offering a "yes" tells them something powerful: You can trust me to care about what matters to you. Even small yeses help children begin to believe that safe adults do exist.
2. Yes Gives Back Control
Trauma strips away a child's sense of control. "Yes" moments restore it. Choices like "Yes, you can pick your snack," or "Yes, you can wear your favorite shirt today," give children the freedom to make decisions in safe ways. These moments, while small to us, feel big to them.
3. Yes Lowers Defensiveness
When kids are constantly told no, they live in fight-or-flight mode. Yeses lower that defensive shield, helping children regulate their emotions and feel safer in their environment. Over time, they learn they don't have to fight for everything - they can trust that good things will come.
4. Yes Strengthens Connection
TBRI teaches us that connection is the foundation of healing. Saying yes whenever we can shows children that we are allies, not adversaries. It builds relational safety and paves the way for deeper connection.
Finding the Yes in Everyday Moments
Even when we can't say yes to everything, we can often find a "yes within the no." For example:
- "I can't let you eat candy before dinner, but yes - let's save it for dessert!"
- "We're not going to the park today, but yes, let's plan it for tomorrow!"
It's about shifting from automatic no's to thoughtful responses that preserve the relationship while setting healthy boundaries.
A Yes Mindset
Saying yes more often doesn't mean lowering expectations or spoiling children. It means being intentional about offering choices, empowering kids, and building trust. With each yes, we're giving children something they deeply need: the belief that they matter and that safe adults will meet their needs.
So next time you're faced with a request, pause and ask: Is there a safe and reasonable way to say yes?
Because every "yes" is an opportunity to help a child heal.
Want to get TBRI tips and other helpful content delivered to your inbox every month? Sign up for our email newsletter here.